Are there multiple stages to finding yourself?
Like Stages of Grief?
Asking for some friends…...I’m friends
This existential crisis has been one for the books. I don’t say that to be one of those depressing millennials, the ones who never left that high-school angst behind. In all honesty, the journey from high school graduate to succeeding college drop-out has not been boring. Coming around to nearly a decade since I dropped, why not look back on one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
My mother would kill me for that statement; but, it’s true.
Despite the idea being drilled into my head as a kid, a college degree wasn’t the answer to all of my problems. In fact, it actually caused a few, sponsored by me of course.
As a poor black kid from the south, one of the only ways out was school or a really good job opportunity. With my lack-luster ambition in high school, the options were even more limited. Alternatively, I saved as much money as possible and found a school that I could afford very far away. 9 hours to be exact!
I quickly found alternative paths in online classes and online writing gigs. The boom of social media as I entered college open a lot of doors for freelancers despite its negative effects of face-to-face social awareness.
THESE ARE THE BREAKS
Fast-forward a year and, that school ‘very far away’ didn’t pan out. In the process, I managed to find my way to Vegas and, at that time, on my way to a Disney Internship. Now, this was my first break from college. One thing that every ungrad will tell you, however, is: DO NOT TAKE A BREAK!
So, I took a break.
I learned life lessons and I met some life-long friends. Internships were a great part of the college experience and I’m honored to have experienced the ones that I did. Though I didn’t take classes, I continued to write to perfect my craft. I’m not saying it was good but, I did what I could to be better.
After my nine months there, I returned to school. It was online, once again but, I was also in Las Vegas this time.
Change of perspective was important to me, even at a younger age. Additionally, higher education started to wear on me. The financial burden was something I didn't understand, but it was starting to make sense.
Most people that pursued the same major as me were terrible people. For a long time, I committed to being just as terrible because it was what I was supposed to do. I thought that this was what writers do. I became controlling and manipulative, almost to a methodical level. I was very much a journalist, a propaganda OG, if you will. I hated everyone and myself just a little bit.
Then there was another break.
I excelled in college but the same angst and dread from high school came back again. Some other unfortunate events occurred but, I continued to write instead of focusing on education.
Life was becoming too much and this was somehow the only way to keep depression at bay. It was the only thing that brought me joy at the time.
While I worked, I wrote.
While I was in class, I wrote.
No matter where I was or what my responsibility was, I continued to write. Through mental, emotional, and physical turmoil writing kept my mind elsewhere. It reminded me of the time when I wasn’t in school. My internship at Disney, despite the alcatraz-like job, gave me the freedom to write and explore my craft. I blogged, I finished my book there (first draft).
School forced me to write from a single perspective. The culture around it only allowed me to share a specific opinion, regardless of the need to seek the truth. The thing that my family had swore would be the answer to my poor-kid prayers was driving me crazy. Financial aid quickly piling up and my sanity slowly slipping away, I needed to change something.
THE RISE OF JAE
I started to take my past work with internships much more seriously. I took the minimum class-load to focus on building a portfolio. I contributed to gaming blogs and various sites. I started a YouTube channel because, why not?
I was trying to escape the person that I had become at school so, I created a different persona online. It was me but...a me that I couldn’t be amongst my peers at the time.
School and broadcast journalism was a combination of code-switching amongst and pushy agendas, among other things, that I just wasn't made for. Either way, I was done with it. I wanted to write and I was doing that and more outside of school. It was strange that I was getting more fulfillment from my passion outside of the place that was supposed to fuel it.
As you grow, people always tell you how much education is so fun and invigorating. In college, I felt that at one time. The feeling, however, was very fleeting. It works for some, don’t get me wrong. It's just not for me.
Writing in the gaming industry and making videos was what brought me joy. Entertaining and teaching my community was how I felt my best. I found myself doing that and school was the furthest thing from my mind. I excelled further, growing my reach further. I published my book and I was doing what I loved, all without actually graduating. The more I worked, the more I realized it made little difference.
Regardless of industry, most writers had very little experience. I was finding that my minimal amount of schooling far
-exceeded people who had the jobs that I wanted- in some cases even higher. The more time I spent outside of academia, the more I realized there was a giant lie surrounding academia.
Some older friends had begun to graduate and were finding themselves in a world with no job for them. The hundreds of thousands spent on a piece of paper was seeming more meaningless as I watched highly-capable friends end at as Starbucks’ baristas. Writing was always a labor of love but, those extra classes just weren't chalking up to the real world experience that I sought out. The dream was...uncertain, to say the least. Alternatively, the growing popularity of social media was providing tons of opportunities to anyone willing to put in the work. As the economy was failing, my generation was finding alternative routes everywhere. You know what they say, if you can’t beat em’ with a college degree, join em!
IN THE END...
So, at the end of that year. After a summer at E3 and EDC and accomplishing most of my childhood dreams, I dropped out. It would be a lie to say financial options didn’t play a role but the life I was living -and enjoying- wasn’t ideal for school. I wasn’t made for school, in that sense at least.
Was the choice partially irresponsible, yes.
Was it personally needed, also yes.
The process is very different but college stifled me as a person. As an eighteen year-old trying to figure out who she is, college simply wasn’t the best choice. I appreciate the path that it set me on, nonetheless. I published a book, I made costumes, I became a certified Makeup Artist, I MCed an event once, and I’ve found myself writing in cannabis now.
Writing has always stayed the goal and, as a result, I’ve enjoyed the best of life in the last 7 years. Did it come with struggles? Of course! In the long run, however, dropping out was one of the best decisions I've ever made. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have had the time to publish Siren. I wouldn’t have met the love of my life. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten real-world experience that made the career much easier to pursue. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have experienced all that I have.
Or maybe I would have...
At the end of the day, decisions are down to you. I had to look at my life and decide what was best for me. Grouping up the dreams of my parents and the wishes of my family as well as the stigmas and expectations of being black, I thought that I had to go to school. I thought I had no choice, no other way to make anyone proud. For me, however, my sense of pride and accomplishment needed to come from something else. I needed it from something else. Dropping out of college helped me find what that something was.
So, to all the parents that may be reading, I’m not telling your kids to drop-out of school. Not directly, at least. I want kids to think of what they want out of life. Before making the choice to spend thousands on something, take some time to think it over. Go travel, get a hobby, check something off of your bucket list. Find out who you are before college tries to you. School is great and education is needed to keep the mind sharp, but you guys all know how the anarchist in me feels about institutions
Be individuals, guys!
Find out what brings you joy before throwing money at something else. The new generation has so many options and an equal amount of voices telling them what to do. Developing a sense of self is important to living your life. Being peer-pressured into certain lifestyles helps no one. It’s never too late to change it either!
Comentários