It’s been a full month since I got laid off. It’s been a full month of not working, of sleeping in too much and extremely invasive cat cuddles. My boyfriend and I have been reveling like home-bodies since it’s been the most we’ve been able to spend together in a long time. It’s the first time since the beginning of our relationship where one of us -or both- didn’t have multiple jobs and various side-hustles that kept the dream alive. More than anything, this is the first time in almost seven years that the two of us have collectively had the opportunity to just breathe....to just be.
Like most things, it was short-lived; but, it left us trying to address some existential crises. As both approach 30, we both have started to take account of all the things around us. All the accomplishments, all the success, as well as the road bumps and failures. We tend to focus on the later when we look around, glaring at it with this doom that haunts us. The negative side; however, can't be the only thing we see. I can honestly say I look back with a tad bit of guilt.
Over the last few years, I haven’t worked for my dream as much as I would have liked. I've been giving the bare minimum to my long-term goals and, as a result, my writing career is somewhat stagnant. Don’t get me wrong; I blame no one but, myself. This time has given me the opportunity to properly blame myself. I’m actually pretty thankful for it. After years of making excuses, it’s liberating to finally find the culprit of my lack of success.
Issa me.
It’s okay, though. The time that I spent away was needed to grow into someone who could be better. I needed to learn how to be the person that could accomplish the things that I wanted to accomplish.
Looking back, I know I wouldn't have taken advantage of the luck and success that I may have come across. I was too immature to hold onto the dream I had, if just for a moment. I needed the failure and that delay to learn how to succeed again.
Despite what anxiety may make you think, failure is important to the process. The first step to being really good at something is being really bad at it.
That, my lovely little buds produces failure and, in turn gives us progress. I say all that to get here, laying in bed thinking of decade old dreams...I say that as I’m sitting here having troubling doing something that use to come easy.
Between all that reveling, the question still remained. After time away and after failure, do I still 'got it'? In this new reignited journey of re-editing, restarting the series, and blogging...do I still got Jaekuro in me?
How many of us question our skills after time away?
How many of us question our bodies capability to perform after injury?
How many of us question our worth every day?
It reminds me of something my boyfriend told me some months ago.
"Be like the fox…"
I’m pretty sure he thought nothing of it at the time; but, it's been ringing in my head over and over ever since. A close friend told him those words as he juggled with some similar thoughts. It was a reminder to be at ease and study the animal and it's spirit.
Aside from being my boyfriend’s assigned spirit animal and my #4 tattoo, the fox spirit is present when you undergo a period of change. Those times typically are tough and unpredictable. The fox urges you to be guided by your wisdom and intuition during these times, by guided by your belief that this is what is right.
Basically, the self-depravity is gotta stop eventually!
If you wanna accomplish something, you gotta get up and do it. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, how old you are, or who you are. If I want to achieve something, I have to believe that I can achieve it. If I don't even believe in myself, how do I expect anyone else to?
So, no more standing in my own way or worrying about perfect situations. No one has accomplished greatness with ease and to think that I can skimp by is laughable. It’s never too late to start again or take the first step. The only thing that will come if you don’t persevere is a for-sure no and regret. So why not take a chance? You may not be able to reach the finish line today or tomorrow, maybe not even next month. As long as you are moving forward, the dream continues. Moving slow sucks but, it’s better than not moving at all.
So, as I lay here thinking of decade-old dreams, I ask myself:
Are you gonna be stagnant or be like fox?